TRAGIC
I knew eventually this time would come... but I thought it still would be in the far future... It still took us by surprise. But I refuse to bear the guilt of it... Could I have foreseen it? Maybe if I could see into the future. Could I have prevented it... no, I have to sleep too. He could've taken his mask off at anytime. and we just got it Friday as it was. I'm glad we spent Mothers Day with my family. And that last Saturday with his... I know they will never talk to me again. And I'm OK with that, it's nothing new. The kids can't be turned against me, we already discussed it.
I knew there was a reason why I didn't get the jobs I interviewed for... I needed to be home as much as possible because my time with Bryan was short... I see that now... Doesn't make it any better... When the time is right... I will be out there again. I just trust God more then I had ever done before. --That is nothing new. What is new, (and harder than I can imagine) is sleeping in our bedroom...knowing he isn't there not because he is in the hospital--but because he will NEVER be there again. Silence is not my friend... It is a place I cannot look because it makes my mind spin... I refuse the "what-if" those are the paralyzer. Venom I cannot take.
We 3 will be fine--eventually... It will take a long time to get past this minute of grief... But the next minute will be there and we will get past THAT minute and so on...
We have people that love us and pray for us and will take care and support us. We won't fall through the cracks. I just can't bear the Silence... I had been playing a radio in our room for months and that is still going.... I need my mind moving at all times... even if it’s not important... It just can't sit still and dwell on things yet... It's too new and the grief is almost unbearable...
But I and my kids are loved by many... I can call anyone I need to...
So we start a new chapter in our lives.... Sooner than we expected or wanted...
5/22/09
No comments:
Post a Comment